Archive | December 2011

Depression Kicks My Ass Sometimes

A friend recently posted about a recent bout with depression. It spelled out an all-too familiar scenario – racing thoughts, sadness, listlessness, insomnia, etc.. etc., etc. I wanted to tell my friend these things, but I hate to sound like the preacher, especially when the preacher is preaching to the choir. However, it felt really good to write it out and I think I’ll make my next speech on this.

1. Depression is a big fat, hairy liar. And I’m being kind. While the feelings tell you that you are not the beautiful soul you truly are, they freaking lie. If someone lied to you about something half this significant, you’d be pissed. Don’t be afraid to be pissed – it’s a good sign.

2. Sometimes, depression is anger turned inside – anger at yourself or anger that you don’t feel comfortable expressing. Being the servant Christian woman I was, being angry wasn’t permitted. Since coming to realize my lack of anger management, I’ve resorted to lying in fields screaming at God and kicking rocks in the desert. For me, journaling about my anger didn’t do much good. I had to scream. Fortunately, there were lots of places in Arizona where I could kick dirt clods without anyone to call the authorities. Now I get in my car and drive on the freeway. I may look like I’ve been punched in the face when I’m done, but the internal noise is soothed.

3. You can control your thoughts. It’s freaking hard some times, but you have the power over your brain to stop going hyper on you. Sometimes it slows for a minute, sometimes less. You can help this process sometimes, for me, physical exercise makes a big difference.

4. There is better living through chemistry. I’ve been able to wean off of more than half my medications over the years, but I can promise you that I wouldn’t still be alive if I didn’t take it when I did. Ask for help, even if it’s not with meds. Someone to walk with, someone to cry with, someone that will let you kick their ass. Those are your true friends… 😉

There is more I can write, but I’m out of time.

Thank you, S. I love you.