Still in the Midst

I was mistaken in my rambling the other day – it has only been two weeks since I first found I needed surgery.  Initial diagnosis -> cancer diagnosis -> surgery in 18 days.  No wonder I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.

I wonder if I have pushed myself so quickly into this.  We could have slowed down a little. Taken a week or so between the diagnosis / oncology / surgery.  But I have this utter compulsion to get it out of me and to know the full damage.

Yesterday I went from thinking the doctor will cancel the surgery after the CT scan on Monday because there is too much cancer to thinking about traveling to Hawaii in September.  That’s some improvement, I’d say.

I’m utterly surprised that my children are coming.  It’s not ever that I would have thought they didn’t love me if they didn’t come.  I consider what they do in their daily lives to be most important.  And I don’t mean to say that I’m not important to them.  For so many years I’ve been the one to go to them to help.  Now they are coming to me and I can’t be happier.  I think that has helped me relax out of the consummate frenzy that I have been in for two weeks.

I got most of the shopping done today that I need to be ready for surgery. I have no idea what to pack or how to prepare myself for after the surgery.  Who knows these things? I love that Olivia D. has offered sweet suggestions, but her hospital stays are for two weeks at a time, not the 1 or 3 night stay where I will be removed by force as soon as possible.

I’m most grateful for this family that loves me so sweetly.  I have not had to serve someone in this nearly tragic capacity during my life, but I now know a little better how to reach out in the future.  (See, I’m speaking about the future without an early exit plan! Progress!)

I think, too that a turning point came when I spent some real energy getting very honest with my Great God.  He doesn’t owe me a life free from cancer.  He doesn’t owe my daughter-in-law a life free from stroke.  It’s taking me a little bit of work to understand the minuscule pieces of my life that reflect Him so well, yet he allows such pain and trauma.  Oh, and to say to someone who has a recent diagnosis of aggressive cancer that God sovereignty is  so amazing, that’s just wrong.  I don’t want to die and this firm believer is telling me that it’s all okay?  I love you, but you have no idea what you just said.  I hope that I have never presented Christ to anyone in a way that was insensitive or blatantly out of place.  God help me not to do so in the future.

I’m officially off work, but I am compelled to check my emails and have had to drag myself away from the work laptop.  I am utterly addicted.

I wish I felt comfortable driving to the ocean tomorrow.  My foggy head has been ‘iffy’ behind the wheel.  That road is so dangerous.  It would stress me a lot, and I need to avoid this tendency. Drat it anyway.


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